


Mutually Beneficial

by pictureperfectwatermelon



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Autistic Evan Hansen, Crushes, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Other, Paranoia, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, implied zoe/evan, the insanely insecure jared kleinman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 18:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11926392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pictureperfectwatermelon/pseuds/pictureperfectwatermelon
Summary: “And.. If this makes us.. Not friends anymore then.. I’m sorry..?”Evan snapped his mouth closed and stared down at his math book. He had a whole thing planned out to say, but he found himself speechless. Connor had a crush on....





	Mutually Beneficial

**Author's Note:**

> descrip sucks pardon

Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were sitting in Evan’s room. The radio was on, playing some indie pop, and the curtains were drawn, letting in some sunlight. Connor was reading a book, laid out on Evan’s bed, his shoes on the floor next to it. Evan was sitting at his desk, hunched over a math textbook, trying to study for his upcoming test. It was peaceful, and comfortable for the two close friends. 

Suddenly, Connor broke the silence between the two boys. He set his book down, careful not to lose his place. He cleared his throat, effectively gaining Evan’s attention.

“Sorry. I know you’re studying and all that, but there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” Evan asked, playing coy. But he already had a smidgen of an idea as to what Connor would be talking about.

Lately, he noticed that Connor was opening up to him. A lot more than he did a month ago. Evan was ecstatic that he wasn’t bottling up his feelings and exploding when it all grew to be too much. Connor’s shoulders used to always be tense and tight with stress, but he seemed much more relaxed after he managed to vent to Evan about his feelings. Evan also found out that Connor was quite the affectionate guy.

After venting, Connor would scooch closer to Evan and wrap his arms around him, giving him a quick squeeze. Sometimes, when he was much more emotionally exhausted, he’d hold on for longer. Evan wasn’t against hugging, and actually enjoyed it himself, so he’d hug back, but the behavior was such a huge flip from how he was a couple weeks back.

Connor also liked to find excuses to come over to Evan’s house whenever he could. For example, only a few days ago, Evan and Jared had planned on hanging out and working on one of Jared’s robotics projects. Connor was not apart of the robotics club, and admitted to not being interested in engineering at all. Yet, he still asked if he could swing by and watch. His posture was tense, and he stared down at his shoes while mumbling, “ _ Could I come over too, maybe..? _ ” Evan wasn’t going to turn him down, but it was out of character for Connor. Jared didn’t have any complaints, so Connor hung out with them while they worked.

Evan also noticed that Connor began to take much more interests in Evan’s interests. He’d ask about trees, and nature. Ask what Evan’s favorite tree was, or favorite animal, or plant or flower. Ask Evan to teach him about the proper care of plants, and succulents. Connor especially began to take interest in robotics and engineering. After coming over, he started asking questions non-stop about what they were building, and what pieces they need and how they coded. It was flattering, but Evan couldn’t help but wonder  _ why  _ he was suddenly so enthusiastic. Evan would try and ask about his books, and about his favorite musicals, but Connor would clam up, and change subjects. Some other questions Connor would inquire were related to his friendship with Jared, what his mom was like, about his dad and about places he dreamed of going to.

On top of Connor’s weird behavior, he had also recently come out. It happened only a month ago. They were sitting in the park together, not really doing much. It was Evan, Alana, Zoe, Jared and Connor. He was silent the whole day and nobody could seem to get a word out of him. He simply played with the drawstring on his hoodie, and blankly stare out in the distance. Connor was also extremely pale, almost like he was in shock, or fear. The silence was worrying, and after giving each other concerned glances, Zoe approached her brother, and wrapped one arm around his shoulder.

“ _ Hey bro, you’re being all mopey again. What’s wrong? _ ” She asked. Connor shrugged. He was biting on his skin again, a bad habit he had started the beginning of senior year. Zoe gently moved his hands away from his mouth to keep him from tearing the skin off like he did with his other hand.

“ _ Shrug? What does that mean? You know you can talk to us, now. We won’t judge you. And if you don’t want to talk, just let us know what we can do for you. _ ” Connor still didn’t respond, but he didn’t blow up like he used to. Any signs of concern from others used to irritate him, and even  _ scare  _ Connor, due to his extreme paranoia, but he had learned to calm down a little more. It helped that his therapist suggested some coping methods, and how to deal with the little voices in the back of his head that whispered the doubts into his mind.

“ _ I won’t tell Larry or Cynthia about it either. It can stay between us, if that makes you feel better? _ ”

“ _ Yes. _ ” He said, finally speaking for the first time in hours. Alana tried to conceal a small smile.

“ _ Okay! That’s okay. Do you want to talk to me alone? _ ”

“ _ No. To you guys. But not to Larry. _ ”

“ _ Okay. Do you need some time? _ ”

“ _ No. I’m gay. _ ”

There was a few beats of silence before Zoe said, “ _ Hi gay, I’m Zoe. _ ” and everyone laughed a little  _ too  _ hard to try and hide the awkwardness. Connor was very blunt, and it wasn’t something he knew how to control. Whatever came to his mind that he felt like vocalizing, he normally did. It usually leaves people a little speechless, but they get over it. The whole group was happy for Connor, happy he came out and trusted them with that fact. Alana said she could relate, and quickly came out as gay as well. Zoe promised Larry and Cynthia wouldn’t hear anything about it. Evan smiled and thanked him, but kept quiet about his own sexual identity crisis. Jared just snorted and said, “ _ We knew, Connor. _ ”

 

 

Putting all of this evidence together, Evan found himself sitting at the dining table one day, a little confused. His mother sat down across from him, bags under her eyes and tangled hair, a coffee in her hand. He was eating cereal, but stopped mid bite, his spoon still halfway to his mouth. His mother said, “Close your mouth, Evan, or you’ll catch flies,” then took a sip of her coffee.

“ _Mom, how do you know if someone likes you?_ ” The slurping sound stopped, and she looked at him from over her mug.

“ _Mmmm_ ,” She set her coffee mug down and swallowed, quickly and audibly. Evan winced a little at the sound.

“ _Well, honey.. I don’t know what’s brought this up. Do you like someone?_ ”

“ _No_.”

“ _But you think someone likes you?”_

“ _Yes. That’s why I’m asking_.”

“ _Right.. Well.. It usually isn’t so hard to tell. If a girl likes you, she’s usually really nice to you. She’ll try and hang out with you more, stutter over he words when she talks to you. Dress nice, do her hair nice to try and stand out and make you notice her. She’ll try and catch your eye in the hallways and try talking to you more, I guess. Making eye contact with you... Which I guess you really wouldn’t notice._ ” She said, and chuckled.

“ _I wouldn’t._ ”

“ _Yeaaah. So does that help?_ ”

“ _No._ ”

“ _So does she not act like that?_ ”

“ _It’s not a girl. It’s a boy._ ”

“ _Ohhhh. Oh._ _ Oh.  _ _Oh?_ ” Evan giggled.

“ _Yes_.”

“ _Well in_ _ that  _ _case, I’ll try and answer to the best of my abilities, but I’m not a guy. Just going to go off experience. If guys like you, they could be mean to you. Make fun of you. You know, like pulling pigtails or calling you names. It’s because they want to get your attention. Boys are kind of stupid like that. Don’t let it get to you._ ”

“ _He’s never been mean to me._ ” Connor has been nothing but kind. An extremely good friend. The only time he had ever insulted Evan was the first time they interacted, the first day of senior year when he called Evan a freak.

“ _So maybe he’s the shy type? He could try and ask to hang out with you_.” Connor did that. He did that a lot. Connor always asked if he could come over, or if Evan was busy.

“ _Take you places you like. Or cool places around the town, I guess?_ ” Connor drove him to A La Mode, and to the orchard. Those were cool places that Evan liked. Connor took him to a lot of different places he had never been to before. Sometimes they ended up in dirty alleys, or other times they ended up in the city, watching a street performer.

“ _He’ll try and see what you like. Try to match his interests to yours. If you’re into one club, maybe he’ll try to join it, or learn as much as he can about it to impress you._ ” Heidi then chuckled. “ _Your dad did that to me.._ ” She said, nostalgically. Evan ignored the mention of his father, not really wanting to dwell on those feelings.

“ _He does all of that. He does that. He’s also gay_.”

“ _I’d guess that if he liked you, then he would be gay._ ”

“ _What.. What do I do?_ ”

“ _Honey.. Do you like him?_ ”

“ _Yes, he’s one of my closest friends._ ”

“N _o. Do you like him like he likes you?_ ”

Evan thought. He never really looked too into romance, because nobody really ever brought it up. Everyone in their group of friends was single, and Evan was content with that. Thinking about the changes that would come with a romantic relationship was stressful. His therapist also never mentioned anything about dating, or how he would go about beginning his romantic life. The only person he ever thought he had a crush on was Zoe Murphy, and while those feelings never vanished, they definitely weren’t as strong as they used to be. They would flare up occasionally, when she would dress a certain way that showed off her midriff, or when she’d get excited about something and get that smile and twinkle in her eye.

With Connor, the feelings were different. When he saw Connor, he felt calm. Seeing Connor was like having a walking safe space next to him. Connor was a good friend of his. Always there when Evan needed somewhere quiet to escape to, or had a panic attack. He never judged any weird thoughts Evan had, and didn’t think the way he only ever wore the same polo every day was weird. Evan could rock himself back and forth and mumble and Connor would just take a seat next to him and wait patiently. Connor was always there when he needed him to be. Evan was always there when Connor needed him to be. When Connor started peeling his skin back, or feeling paranoia crawl up on him, or have vivid delusions, he would come to Evan and ask for help. Connor was also funny, and Evan understood his morbid, but light-hearted humour. Connor could easily explain jokes to him, and didn’t stick to the “ _ magician never reveals his secret _ ” saying, because he explained that “ _ the joke isn’t funny unless you get what’s supposed to be funny about it. I’d just be talking at you, and that’d be pointless. I can do that to my bedroom wall whenever I want to. _ ”

“ _I don’t know. I don’t think so._ ” He responded. Heidi nodded, gripping her coffee cup.

“ _Okay. So if you think he likes you, you need to turn him down. Don’t lead him on_.”

“ _Right. How do I turn him down?_ ”

  
  


So when Connor turned to him and said he needed to talk, Evan was already prepared with everything he was going to say. His mother had walked him through the respectful, and proper way to turn someone down, and Evan knew that Connor wouldn’t be weird about it, and they could stay friends. It didn’t bother Evan, because having a crush on Evan just meant he was much more interested in being Evan’s friend. He supposed that was good. 

“Yeah. It’s going to be kind of weird, but like.. Just hear me out, okay?”

“I will. I’ll hear you out, yeah sure.” Evan felt himself begin to sweat a lot, and his palms were warm and damp. He wanted to go wash them, but settled for wiping them on his pants.

“And.. If this makes us.. Not friends anymore then.. I’m sorry..?” Connor said, showcasing his worries to Evan.

“It won’t.”

“So.. I kind of have a crush on... Uhhh. I kind of have a crush on Jared Kleinman?”

  
  


Evan snapped his mouth closed and stared down at his math book. He had a whole thing planned out to say, but Connor apparently had a crush on  _ Jared _ ? On one hand, he was relieved not to have to turn his friend down, because he knew how rejection felt, but on the other hand it was strange. Never in his life would he ever guess Connor liked  _ Jared.  _ There just didn’t seem to be chemistry there, like Alana was always talking about with her TV shows. 

Connor and Jared weren’t very good friends. Not like Connor and Evan, or Zoe and Evan. In fact, Alana and Connor were better friends than Jared was with Connor, and Alana and Connor barely hung out alone. Jared and Connor never hung out unless they were all together with the group. They didn’t choose to sit next to each other, didn’t buy each other stuff at the mall, didn’t share drinks. Jared and Connor always kept some distance between each other at all times, physically and emotionally. Connor’s temper would flare, and out of all four of them, he tended to take it out on Jared the most. Jared was no better, he would snark back, and only escalate the situation. It didn’t add up.

“Jared? I’m sorry,  _ Jared _ ?”

“Yeah. Yup. No it’s okay, I know,” Connor chuckled. “It’s weird. Jared Kleinman? I thought I was crazy too.” 

“When.. How..?”

“Uhhh. Fairly recently. I realized that I liked him a couple weeks before I came out. That’s actually one of the biggest reasons why I came out.”

That was why Connor had begun to act so strange in the earlier month. Due to his crush on Jared, not a crush on Evan like he had misconceived.

“But you’re always mad at him? And he’s always mean to you? It’s not..”

“Yeah. I guess I like boys who are mean to me? Uhhh.. Haha.. He’s not that bad. I mean. We actually hang out together? Uhm. Like alone?”

“ _ WHAT  _ when!?”

“Just a couple times this month. We walked around and just talked. He’s pretty chill when he’s alone, but when he’s with the group he gets all weird, you know? Like suddenly he’s super defensive and just a smarmy little shit. But when he’s alone he’s laid back and honest. He’s much more tolerable that way.”

Evan knew what Connor was talking about. Whenever he and Jared were alone together, that’s when he proved to be Evan’s best and oldest friend. Jared was understanding, and easy to relate to. He listened to people’s problems, and tried his best to help solve them. Sometimes, problems didn’t need solving, and that was okay too. Jared was always there to wallow with. It made the experience a little more enjoyable, even if they were just sitting with him in his room, feeling like crap. Jared was a funny guy, and tried to laugh at anything he could to avoid the painful and sometimes dark reality of things. He’d laugh at the most inappropriate, and wrong things, which tended to get on Zoe and Alana’s nerves, but it was just how he worked. Jared had a sharp mind, and was always scheming something, even if he never came around to doing it.

When Jared was with other people, that’s when the ‘smarmy’ part of his personality liked to step in. Jared was not pleasant when he was with others. He became more irritable, more sarcastic. He’d put up these walls and any attempt at knocking it down would be met with quips and insults. Jared was always on edge, and always going out of his way to seem cool, or aloof, when really Evan knew he worried a lot about his appearance. His mother told him it was because Jared desperately wanted people to notice him, but was afraid of the attention, and afraid of the attention eventually leaving him. It was a vicious cycle, but they all had their problems. Evan guesses the insecurities comes from his nearly absent father, and his superficial mother.

“Yeah. I know.”

“Sorry. I made it all weird didn’t I? Sorry. I still. Don’t know when to shut up and stuff.” Connor admitted, shamefully.

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m glad you told me? Uhhh.”

“You don’t sound very glad.” He mumbled. Connor’s shoulders were sagging, and he suddenly looked very tired. The dark circles under his eyes stood out some more, and Evan panicked internally.

“Uhh no I am! I am! Glad. I am. I promise, I mean, it’s really not weird, why would it be weird? If it was weird I would have been like, ‘wow, that’s weird’, but I didn’t say that so it’s not weird, you see? So it’s fine it’s not weird, it’s not.”

“Evan..” Connor let out a dark chuckle. Evan just hummed a little bit. He looked down at his pencil and grabbed it, running his fingers against the wooden tip of the pencil.

“Sorry. About unloading all of that on you. I just thought you should know because I know he’s your best friend.”

“Yeah it’s okay..”

“Evan.. Can you uhh. At least face me?” So Evan swiveled in his chair to face Connor, still preoccupied with rubbing his fingers on the pencil tip.

“I’m sorry. I guess I’ll go.” Connor said, his voice suddenly shaky. He sniffled a tad, and sluggishly grabbed his book and bag. Evan looked up and watched him, before quickly realizing Connor was sad.

“Oh! No, no Connor don’t be sad. You don’t have to go if you want to cry?” Connor stopped and wiped his eyes, but still continued to shove his book into his messenger bag.

“It’s okay,” His nose sounded stuffed. “I need to go. I shouldn’t have brought this up.” Evan felt stupid, especially because he knew that Connor had issues with anything he perceived as rejection.

“ _ Sometimes I get stupid, you know? Like, if I think anyone’s rejecting me, I get all mad and defensive. That’s usually when I blow up. When I think someone’s going to react negatively to what I said, or reject something I said or did. Or me. Sometimes I’ll cry too? But I only cry after I get mad. I cry a lot, I’m like, a dumb baby. Ugh. _ ”

“No, no, nononononono, no,!! No, don’t go!” Evan said, standing from his chair and grabbing Connor’s hand. They both flinched and pulled back at the same time. He realized he had grabbed Connor’s bare arm, then felt even worse, because he  _ knew  _ how Connor felt about his scars. The texture of his arm was rough, almost like tree bark.

“I’m sorry.” He said, standing in front of Connor.

“That’s okay.” They stayed in the room in silence, not really looking at each other. It was awkward.

“Uhm. You don’t have to go if you feel sad. I don’t want you crying alone at your house. You can cry here, that way you’re with me, and I can help you.”

“Yeah. Thank you. I didn’t really want to go home--I just felt, humiliated, I guess.”

Connor sat back down on Evan’s bed, and Evan took a seat next to him, sliding the pencil into his pocket. He put one arm around Connor’s waist, and pulled him close. Connor leaned against’s Evan’s shorter body the best he could, and sniffled again.

“You can tell me about it? About liking Jared?”

“I can?”

“Yes.”

“Oookay.. Uhm. I guess like. It kind of took me by surprise, honestly. He bought me my favorite ice cream flavor at A La Mode this one time, because I was late, and he added little rainbow sprinkles to the order because it was after I came out. It was super cute, and I guess.. Gosh.. I don’t know, it was so cute and it made my heart skip a beat and that’s when I realized..” Connor’s eyes were wide, and his cheeks were turning a rosy red color. Evan knew he was feeling a little embarrassed, because Evan sometimes saw himself in the mirror when he felt that way, and he looked the same way. Red in the face, kind of sweaty, with really wide eyes. He could feel the heat on his face whenever Zoe did something cute, too.

“This is so weird--He’ll probably never like me back anyway, he’s not even gay, so--”

“No, no he is. He’s gay.”

“How do you know?”

“He told me.”

“When?”

“Actually a couple months ago, but don’t tell him I told you that. Uhhh…” 

“I won’t,” Connor looked giddy, and the flush on his cheeks spread to his neck and his nose and all over his face. Evan smiled a little bit, and rubbed Connor’s back.

“So. Do you.. Think I might have a shot?”

“I don’t.. Know..? Jared never really talks about you when we’re together. Unless like, I bring you up.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence together, again, and Evan looked up at Connor’s face and noticed that the excitement had suddenly vanished from his expression, then panickedly tacked on, “But who knows I mean Jared is pretty secretive, he never really talked about his crushes with me so?? Like who knows you know, like no one really knows? Ahaha..”

“I guess. I.. I don’t know. I think I’d need to get help from someone who’s like.. Good at this kind of stuff. ‘Cause, no offense, you’re no good at romance. And neither am I.”

“Yeaaaah. Oh--Actually. You know who is good at romance?”

“Who?”

“Alana.”

  
  
  
  


That’s how Evan found himself sitting at their designated table, watching Jared and Connor snuggling each other. Jared was significantly shorter than Connor, but he had his arm wrapped around Connor’s middle, and his other hand resting on Connor’ hand, which was also wrapped around Jared. It was kind of weird to watch, and Evan sometimes had to avert his eyes, but he was happy for them. He was especially happy for Connor. 

Dating seemed to be good for the both of them. Connor had calmed down even more. It had only been one month into their relationship, but Connor had only blown up once or twice in the whole month. Most of it was caused by family. He didn’t really talk about it to them, but Zoe said it was just the usual things. Instead of blowing up, however, Connor seemed to have panic attacks and bouts of mania much more. He was talking about that with his therapist, after one night Zoe found him muttering to himself, tugging at his hair and crying.

Jared was more chill. The walls he liked to put up around his friends only came up around strangers. He toned down his fake confidence, and was just himself when he was around them. Zoe and Alana definitely liked the change, and they laughed a lot more at his stupid jokes. It made Evan happy too, knowing that the girls got to see the Jared Evan got to see, not the fake one. Jared was less defensive, and he stopped poking at other people’s flaws to feel better about his own.

Sometimes, Evan would catch them whispering to each other. Connor twirling his hair in one hand, leaned over so Jared could whisper something. Sometimes they would giggle, and keep whispering. Other times they would nod solemnly, then get up and excuse themselves from the group. Seeing them communicating so fluidly was a huge change from what Evan was used to seeing from them. Instead of keeping distance, they liked to be right along side each other.

When Connor’s thoughts became irrational, or difficult to reason with, Jared was there, talking Connor through it. Using what Connor’s therapist advised Connor to do to cope. Helping him come back down, and come out of his mind, and realize that everything was okay. That he was safe with them. That nobody was out to get him, or hurt him. That he was wanted.

When Jared shut down, and became aggressive, Connor would remind him that it was  _ okay  _ to show emotions. It was okay to let people see when he was at his most vulnerable. That’s what friends were for. To support each other. He reminded Jared that nobody was going to leave him, and nobody was going to invalidate or ignore him. He would let Jared know that he didn’t need to be mean, or hurt others just to get their attention. He just had to be himself.

“They’re really in love, huh?” Zoe said, sliding in the seat next to Evan. Evan shifted to face her. 

“Yeah. They are.”

“I’d like to have that some day.”

He saw her watch her brother and Jared cuddling, and recognized that same sparkle she got in her eyes when she was excited. His heart thumped, and skipped a beat.

 

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> theres not enough content for the jared X connor fans that isnt sincerely three so i wrote this. this ship is weird, but i definitely think it has a lot of potential. i dont know anything about how girls act when they like you or boys im literally going off every cliche high school TV/movie ive ever watched. please dont take heidis advice to heart it could be wrong. 
> 
> Liv, if youre reading this, I'm sorry.


End file.
